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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: REPORTING OF AN ACCIDENT AT WORK.
MRS BET LYNCH
ROVERS RETURN CORONATION STREET WEATHERFIELD 15th Aug. 2008. NEWTON & RIDLEY BREWERY LTD WEATHERFIELD UK Dear Sir, REPORTING OF AN ACCIDENT AT WORK. I would like to report an incident which occurred to my new bar cellar man, Mr Jack Duckworth. As you well know, owing to the refurbishment of the ROVERS RETURN INN after the recent fire, a great new deal of equipment has been installed. The tragic accident to Mr Duckworth occurred during the tapping of the new type of barrel for the first time. A brief description of the incident is as follows:- The first thing he had to do was to see that the bunghole was clear so that there would be no trouble in setting the cork hole and bunghole on the same level. To achieve this, he bored an eye-hole near the cork-hole on about the same level as the bung-hole. Unfortunately, there was a pot-hole near the manhole in the cellar floor, and in trying to drill the eyehole, he slipped and, instead of inserting the bung in the bung-hole, he drove the bung-hole up his arsehole. He was bending at the time, and the bunghole went clean through his arsehole, and out through his ear-hole. You will gather, as I am sure, that the poor chap was in something of a dilemma. He could either put his arm in the cork-hole and draw the barrel through the bunghole, or put his foot through his arm-hole, and pull the barrel through his arsehole. He decided to do neither, but to cut a new hole near the cork-hole, which was blocking up his arsehole. The eye-hole, which you might term, the peep-hole, enabled him to see his ear-hole through his arsehole, but preventing him from tapping the barrel, because in putting his foot through his armhole, he caught his bollocks in the bung-hole. So, in desperation, he stuck a pipe in the cork-hole near the bung-hole, laid the barrel on the man-hole near the pothole, drove a wedge between his bollocks and the bunghole, and pulled the barrel backwards through his arsehole. Yours sincerely, Bet Lynch P.S. He was then able to tap the barrel with little or no inconvenience whatsoever.   
Edited by uk1971 on Mon 09/15/08 11:35 AM
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: My Thought for the day
Monday, September 15, 2008:
Most drivers believe red means "stop," green means "go," and yellow means "check your rear view mirror for a cop." 
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: Prayers for my family please
Hey Steve. Thoughts and prayers from across the atlantic.
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: HELLO, OPERATOR!
Actual call center conversations!
Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1200 for two days and can't get through; can you help?' Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?' Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.' Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.' ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Samsung Electronics Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?' Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.' Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?' Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- RAC Motoring Services Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?' Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe ) 'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please' Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?' Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?' Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland .' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.' Customer: 'OK.' Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?' Customer: 'No.' Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?' Customer: 'No.' Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?' Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?' Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.' Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.' Operator: 'What sort of trouble??' Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' Operator: 'Went away?' Caller: 'They disappeared' Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?' Caller: 'Nothing.' Operator: 'Nothing??' Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?' Caller: 'How do I tell?' Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?' Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?' Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.' Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??' Caller: 'What's a monitor?' Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?' Caller: 'I don't know.' Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' Caller: 'Yes, I think so.' Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: 'Yes, it is.' Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? ' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.' Caller: 'Okay, here it is.' Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' Caller: 'I can't reach.' Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?' Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.' Operator: 'Dark?' Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.' Caller: 'I can't.' Operator: 'No? Why not?' Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.' Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?' Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.' Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?' Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?' Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!' |
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: My Thought for the day
Sunday, September 14, 2008:
He who laughs last probably didn't get it.  |
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: My Thought for the day
Saturday, September 13, 2008:
Apparently conventional wisdom ain't so wise. The only time people describe something as "conventional wisdom" is just prior to telling you why it's wrong.
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: The Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky. What you see? " The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" "You dumber than buffalo sh!t. It means someone stole the tent!" |
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: Some Questions
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? 4. There are three religious truths: A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. 5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? 10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one? 11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam. 16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks? 17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 18 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 21 If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out of her nose? 22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'? AND FINALLY: 25. If Coca Cola and Pepsi Cola were to merge, would their slogan be: BE SOCIABLE. HAVE A POKE. |
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: A History Lesson for to day
LIFE IN THE 1500'S
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s: These are interesting... Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence thesaying, 'Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..' Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bed-room where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how 'canopy beds' came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, 'Dirt poor.' The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying... 'a thresh hold.' (Getting quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, 'Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, pea porridge in the pot nine days old'.. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the 'upper crust.' Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of 'holding a wake.' England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and re-use the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night '(the graveyard shift.)' to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...'dead ringer'.. And that's the truth...Now, who said History was boring? ! ! !
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: The Haircut
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies , 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful. Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference betweenthe citizens of your country and the members of your Congress. |
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: The Last Person to Post Here is a Superstar - part 2
I will always turn up here to be the winner
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: word association for advanced intermediates - part 8
Gyrating
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: My Thought for the day
Friday, September 12, 2008:
Never react with an immediate "no" to someone's request. It comes across much better if you wait a few hours.
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: True Love at the Lake
When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our vacations, in British Columbia. In those days all Canadians appreciated their American neighbours. We had a favorite place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide.
While we were around our campfire in the evening the local Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They would also tell of the Legends of the area. This one Legend always stuck in my mind. It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes made their homes. They were, however, at War, with one another from years before. There was an Indian Maiden in one Camp who was in love with a young Brave in the other Camp. They used to stand, on the shore, each on their respective side of the Lake, and chant Indian love calls to each other...even though they were warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever come of it. One day they just could not stand being apart any longer. That evening, on a cold Fall night, they each jumped into the Lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight. When they reached each other in the center of the Lake, they embraced and, very quickly, froze to death. This act so impressed the Brave's Tribe that they named the Lake after the young man. I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent at "Lake Stupid". |
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: What is your Favourite Quote?
"Love" - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.
Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes...just be an illusion. In Genesis, it says that, "It is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief." 
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: My Thought for the day
QUOTE:
QUOTE:
Thursday, September 11, 2008: How can a man who is able to leap tall buildings in a single bound not understand that your underpants go on the inside. Pass the truss. How do you know he don't have some on the inside, too  He's the man of steel he needs extra support!  |
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: My Thought for the day
Thursday, September 11, 2008:
How can a man who is able to leap tall buildings in a single bound not understand that your underpants go on the inside.
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: COWS
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought,
"Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" |
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy
aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars, to see if they slow down. 2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice) 3) Insist that your e mail address be xena-g[email protected] or [email protected] 4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'. 7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favours' 10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 13) Don't use any punctuation 14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 15) Ask people what sex they are. 16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 17) Sing Along at the opera. 18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) 20) Send e mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. 21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. 22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. ***AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple: Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this. 
Edited by uk1971 on Wed 09/10/08 04:41 PM
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uk1971 Joined Tue 04/10/07 Posts: 17937 |
Topic: Beethoven's Ninth
The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage - about 20 minutes - during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do) one of them looked at his watch.
"Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."[b ]
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