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mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Thu 06/26/08 08:55 PM
A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.

"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.

"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.

"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."

The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.

The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"

Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."

The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Thu 06/26/08 08:53 PM
Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Thu 06/26/08 08:51 PM
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Wed 06/25/08 01:38 PM
texastigress,

you say no man can handle you well i hate to break it to you like this i delt with all differnt kinds out there trust me nothing out there i cant handle .

i delt with women with mental illness,mood swing's,bad mood's,u name it i had it all and iam still alive living proof lol.

i even had a couple in my time that where ninfol's omg but that didnt bother me either lol iam real and iam honest lol.
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Mon 06/23/08 07:54 PM
heartheartheartheartwinkwinkwinkwinkheart
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Sun 06/22/08 05:51 PM
iam so glad u all injoyed my jokes i have a ton of them ialway believed the humor is the best thing and it help's out when you are down and out.

but stay tune i have more comming soon lol
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Sun 06/22/08 05:02 PM
Marriage is...


A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]

Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.

It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.

Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.

Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....

Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.

Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.

Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!"


mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Sun 06/22/08 04:46 PM
You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Sun 06/22/08 04:45 PM
An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Sun 06/22/08 04:40 PM
A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Sun 06/22/08 04:31 PM
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat *****." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like ****".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Sun 06/22/08 04:27 PM
Nude Driving

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Sat 06/21/08 11:00 PM
part of my family was in mystic,and all around that place's i know Naugatuck very well .The way i see it it wouldn't hurt to stop by and drop a line and say hello lol i dont bite well not yet but i did have my shot's lol.

That go's for all the perv's out there .
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Sat 06/21/08 10:53 PM
connecticut is nice and it's just right we didnt get much of snow infact it was not bad at all up here.

I wouldn't live in canada not even if u had paid me the winter's up there are bad and cold i dont know how they can handle all that snow not for me lol.

But any how yes i have cat's iam a hudge animal lover here i have cat's,dog's,bird's, fish, u name it and yes even cow's that's on the farm lol.

A country boy at heart what more can a lady ask for .
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Sat 06/21/08 10:35 PM
Well first of all to be able to find that one special women it's like tring to find a needle in a hay stack lol.

Trust me it can be hard out there and what i had seen on other dating site's omg it all has to do with how much money the guy has or what he look's like or if he has his own house ect that's what i seen in other site's .It's almost as what ever happend to look in to some one's heart and soul insted of judging the person first.

Im not judging every women out there by all mean's no. But i have had a very hard time myself and i had people perv my profile but dont send a message or even say hi iam real and iam not in to all that drama and game's that some play.

But i alway's told my self you never know you may get a letter tommow next week or what ever time will tell if the person is true and realy like's what they see and is interested then you will know.
Edited by mike5311971 on Sat 06/21/08 10:36 PM
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Wed 06/11/08 02:39 PM
you know when your old when you get up seval times to go to the bath room or when you develope a ton of grey hair lol.

but any how age is only a number it dont matter how old you are its how you feel in side.

my uncl was 84 years old befor he died he still worked on the farm and rode a bike every thing it didnt bother him one bit it all depends how well you take care of your body.
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Mon 06/09/08 01:30 PM
at least we have that in common and have a strong understanding what life is all about it dont matter what a person looks like or who they are as soon as a person see's a person with money or looks or even a place they jump right in to it befor realizing what they are getting them selfs in to .

like i stated they need to get out of the clowds and wake up and realize that life is to damn short to mess around .
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Sun 06/08/08 05:54 PM
Dear op,

I have the answere ,

The problem is that i have been on seval differnt dating site's and i have seen a lot on them all .And what the problem is that to many people are self centerd and very selfish and all they care aboult is what they want and do they find happyness and love i think not.

I believe not in the look's or what they have or who they are because there not perfect and nor am i .

I alway's went from the heart and soul not for who they are because behind the looks ect how dose the person realy know untill they took that chance in getting to know them what if the person had a realy good heart.

But any how i have also noticed a lot of female's dont want a man if they dont own a house,car,a well paying or even better if that man should tell them they had gotten a vasectomy what next the women ups and leaves and never talks to that guy again because all she's doing is thinking of her self.

That's the problem in today's dating site's it's alway's want want and more want never give and the people out there who dose this never understood why they cant find that special some one i wonder why.


Iam real and thank goodness i was raised right i never once judged any one for who they where or what they looked like im what you would call very rare.

I must of viwed seval profile's and that's all i ever seen in them was that it's sad because not every one was born with a silver spoon in there mouth wake up people this is real life not fantasy .

But thats my opion not that iam saying all women are doing it but that is what i have seen on three differnt sites and the worst site to go to is plentyoffish thats all you see there .
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Sun 06/08/08 05:32 PM
to be honest what would realy make me happy is to find a desent person not one who injoys the head games and drama omg .

but besides that my music keeps me pretty much happy and my one close friend i grew up with he stops by time and again so yeah that is what makes me happy.
mike5311971
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Joined Wed 03/26/08
Posts: 73
Thu 05/29/08 07:45 PM
Thu 05/29/08 07:42 PM
'very true indeed iam so happy for one thing if you can understand my typing then you can read it so if you can read and understand at the same time then thats a god thing lol.

But also my topic was based on a true advent it's very sad to see some one do this to the other.

but as we are all here we are teacher's and also learner's so we pick up new thing's as we go.

Thank's every one, talking about getting old my birthday's on sat the 31 oop's did i give my bday away dang lol.

see some times i mis type i type fast but i went back and corrected it lol