LMAO! Who wouldn't want to be the mailman?!?

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*ck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

I thought it was cool. What better to have splattered all over you than roasted marshmellow?!?

"Excuse me your balls are showing.....bumble bee tuna....."

Ace Ventura when Nature Calls

That sounds like the reply I would get from my husband if I said something like that!

That is just wrong!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars , pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

"Nice goin......Ya f*cked up date night"

"Whooo drop the probe and step away from my @ss!"

Love Stinks

Also from that movie....

"Here have a twinkie snapperhead!"

And gotta love Robert Englund

"Hello hello hello. "

"So what are your names Neal and Bob or is that like what you do?"

Adventures of Ford Fairlane

I kissed a girl! By Katy Perry



Oops sorry wrong spot to say that!!

That is friggin funny! Wrong but funny!

Oxycotton by Lil Wyte.

Sports Center....Thanks Redmange!

"Instead you shall bang your head on the floor untill forgiven!"


I bet only a few of you can name that movie!

"Now shoulder your f*cking weapon solider!"

The Rock~~~~~Doom

House of 1000 Corpses and The Devils Rejects. I am also a fan of ALL Robert Englund movies. His role in Adventures of Ford Fairlane (not a horror movie) was friggin funny. I also love Strangeland with Dee Snider from Twisted Sister. But the first two will always be the best due to the fact that I love Rob Zombie and not to mention that his wife is effin HOT!

Kane will ALWAYS be my favorite. His movie came out on my b-day so that was cool. Did you know that Brock Lesner is in the UFC and is fighting Randy Coture for the belt? And Batista....is just effin HOT!